The unforgiving heart

Today... well today was the kind of day that causes more frequent occurence of daydreams involving me turning into a demi-god wielding near limitless power. Like controling fire or lightning, or maybe even just being able to induce horrific delusions and illusions. Yes, very very constructive thinking. This is why I do science. So I can one day implant either an extremely powerful taser or flamethrower in my arm. Then again, why stop at either?

I'm not the best, or most Godly man. No surprise there. So it should come as no surprise that I managed to lose my temper today. During lunch, I was talking to a friend. I had a question; does pride know its own limits? We were in the middle of discussion when suddenly some Year 10s come up and slap me on the ass. I told them not to do that again. Well fine, I swore a bit more than that. Anyway, they do it again. I lash out and punch the nearest of them, be he innocent or not. Again, they pull off their gay molestation, so then I dash after the fucktard halfway across the school before finally catching him. I don't know why, but I didn't hurt him. I just asked him "What the hell?" and walked off, back to my friend. Then they pull their shit again, so this time I really snap and grab my friends cricket bat and go off in hot pursuit with every intent of beating him until I get expelled. That never happens. His fatass friend wrenched the bat out of my hands.

Sorry, but I just have a thing with people touching my ass. Right now, I want more than anything to rip them to pieces, slowly, have them burn, screaming for mercy that I won't give. Anything, as long as they suffer. I want to yell. I did in school. Several curses. Actually, I said under my breath "May worms feed on your testicles."

If I can't have them suffer, I at least want them expelled.

Yes, I can be very vengeful. My heart doesnt forgive easily. Too bad my body can't gain vengeance. Then again, I shouldn't be a vigilante. I'm in self-destructive mode now. Bleeding might actually make me feel better. Bleeding them would send me into a state of demonis euphoria.

As you can see, my anger is implosive. Now just crossed the line and all my demons are coming out. Except that I didn't let them. I didn't get to express my rage.

Yes, I will report it to a cher. Under my friend's advice. Apparently its under bullying, and those bastards are older than me. I'm a petty spiteful bitch. Right now I could look into their eyes and say with conviction and perfect honesty that I hope we both get thrown into hell, just so I could see them suffer.

Am I sick? Maybe. From blackbirds are blackbirds borne. Am I a sick boy, or just a sick mind given rise from a sick world? I don't claim to be unaffected by the world at large, and neither should I. Whose fault is it then?

Right now, I would love to be able to cause either mental or physical scarring on them. Preferably the first.

The little boy inside me. My innocence, my wisdom. Shinta. He's curled into a corner right now, with my other voices trying to comfort him. Shin-chan is crying.

The last time he did was when my great grandmother died.

As a side note, msn won't work and my Monday night TV shows have been cancelled in place of a 9/11 tribute. Yeah, not in the mood to feel for the masses right now. Today just isn't my day.